A quiet Monday night - in a time machine pub!

Have just spent the evening in a fairly quiet bar/pub. The kind of place that is friendly to students but pretty much most nights is quiet but opens up an underground dance floor and dj at the weekend. 
As I was having a drink (on a first date!!) I suddenly realised I was actually cerca 1989-1994!! This of course meant I should have been way under the legal drinking age but that has never stopped me before. In walked a man as I was sipping on my rose wearing white jeans, black loafers and a black t-shirt. I mean.... really??
I wanted to say something but didn't want to appear rude to my date so instead I felt it appropriate to snigger instead (bad choice I know). I just couldn't believe it! He looked like he had mugged e17 on the way to a party or Bros. (the 80s duo) at a concert. Neither are looks one aspires to any more and for a good reason. Monochrome is generally elegant and 'safe' as a fashion choice but this was not. It's pretty much up there with the white linen trousers and black/patterned underwear combo. It just shouldn't be a mistake people make these days!!!

Night Club Nightmares

As I frequented a local bar last night, (yes I am still suffering), I noticed a large number of bad outfits. I suggest people discontinue dressing like it is 1995 in lycra white backless dresses and scrunchies (my mortal enemy). It is after all 2011 and it is currently not even retro or vintage yet. 
Although during my evening as my alcohol consumption rose due to bellinis and jagerbombs I nearly plucked up the courage to suggest to a girl she should read a magazine or watch gok wan. Luckily my need to remain without a black eye prevailed and I did not go over to her. Even though part of me thinks it would of done her some good!

Holiday Wardrobe

Having just arrived back from holiday in Zante I spent the week pondering peoples mad choice of outfits!! (Don't worry I did actually have fun too and didn't just do this!)


First of all - Bikinis!
Has there not been enough advice on TV programmes, in magazines, from your friends, even from your mother! Why do people with hugely flabby bellies insist on wearing tiny little bikinis? It looks awful when you are doing anything other than lying down flat and sucking your stomach in so you can;t actually breathe anymore. The worse I happened to see was a woman who must have been 35-40 and a size 12. She had quite a nice figure but clearly hadn't ever done a sit up in her life. She sat round the pool watching her children play and rested her arm on her belly. As in it was rolled up underneath her hiding her bikini bottoms and she had her arm on it squidging it further. Gross!


Denim shorts...
Now I like denim shorts, especially if you have the legs for them. What I am yet to understand is the need for, largely younger girls, to walk around with their shorts undone and bikini bottoms showing. Does anyone actually know the point of this as I think it looks pretty stupid? Maybe those who do it are not very bright and have forgotten how to work a zip. Especially with the sun making everyone's hair blonder and all those brightly coloured cocktails with masses of e numbers. I will assume this is whats happened.


White...
I like white for clothing. Nice linen trousers, long flowing maxi dresses, party dresses and my favourite are a nice pair of white shorts. I did see a lot of underwear on display though. I thought the lingerie business world had thought of all underwear solutions. Unfortunately it appears no one is actually buying them. I don't need to see french knickers of any colour being swallowed by someone's arse whilst I'm enjoying my lamb kleftiko or sipping the aforementioned brightly coloured cocktails. It is not appealing. I suggest checking at home how see through the item of white clothing is and deciding a - is it too see through? and b - do I have the correct underwear? If the answer is anything other than no and yes (in that order) please don't take it with you. Thanks.

Skunk

Hmmm... someone has dyed their hair. It used to be a nice brown colour that suited her face colourings and style. However she has attempted to go blonde (as she put it on Facebook). Instead what appears to have happened is that she has gone out to get drunk. Found a hair extension stall and bought a gingery blonde clip in. Just the one though. She has then stuck it in randomly towards the back, probably in the hope that she doesn't have to see it. The result I'm afraid to say is a little skunk like. It looks awful! Unfortunately people seem to be commenting in that non committal way they do. 'Oo, I see you've dyed your hair.' This is making her think people like it. I'm sure they don't. Who would?

Work outfits...

Genuinely, why would you wear a matching shell top and trousers?
Grey smart bootcut trousers = ok
Grey shell sleeveless top = bad
Grey smart bootcut trousers and matching shell sleeveless top = horrendously hideous!
How can I drop hints to the person at work wearing such awful outfits? If I don't soon my eyes will burn or I'll laugh in her face.

Also another girl seems to be wearing less clothes everyday. I'm scared she'll turn up wearing a bikini next week. This is not acceptable as we are professionals and she only looks like a professional hooker. It's not ok and I only hope management suggests she wears some trousers with her tops.

The Merits of a Neckerchief

There is a woman at work who, although I don't speak to her often, I find difficult to get on with. You could say our personalities are opposites, or even the only thing we have in common is our job. Then today she decided to wear a red neckerchief...

Now these aren't the most hideous things to grace our fashionable world but it made me wonder... why?
They are too small to provide any warmth and kind of look like they have been shrunk. If she had a cold neck then wear one of the bigger pashmina scarves, they even come in an array of patterns to match outfits and moods. If she was wearing it for decoration then why not a pretty necklace, or a 'statement' necklace. The choices are far more varied than wrapping some old rag around your neck. It almost looked like her husband had tried to gag her (I don't blame him) and it had fallen down!

In conclusion I see no real benefit to these particular items. They're about as useful as the human appendix and largely only appear on Gok Wan makeover shows, where they should stay as far as I'm concerned!!

Gypsy Wedding

Having just watched My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding I almost think my brain will explode. Did you see what they were wearing??? I mean, I'm all for tradition and wearing what you want but seriously!
Don't wear something if...

• it takes you many attempts to sit down on a chair and then have your dress cut you.
• you're 8 years old and you are wearing a dress twice your body weight.
• you describe the colour as 'marker pen pink... but brighter' (highlighter pens!).
• it was inspired by the film Coming to America with Eddie Murphy.
• the byline is 'The more you bleed, the better the dress!'
• your take on 'Spanish' is sparkly knickers and bra with dangly bits for the whole family!

If you choose to ignore my advice then you will look like a gypsy. You Have Been Warned!!

The Happy Couple!

Is it ok to...

I was at work wondering if it was ok to wear a cheap faux dead animal as a gilet? I would guess no.
Personally I wouldn't wear fur but am willing to say that it can look nice, as can good quality faux fur. But cheap faux fur looks like the crap your hoover picks up and I definitely would not wear that even if you paid me (and I'm poor!) If I can I shall get a picture of what I mean but I will have to be extremely discrete! The woman in questions wonky fringe might catch me out!

You look like shit... literally

In the past week at work there is a woman who has worn all brown outfits twice! As if once wasn't bad enough. She's fairly young and seems quite nice and as far as I have noticed she doesn't wear glasses but I'm starting to think that perhaps she should!
Not only once but twice! The first consisted of brown trousers and matching waistcoat (I can't believe anyone would buy these together), a light brown t-shirt and shoes and even a brown flower in her hair. Everyone knows,  or at least should know that clothes sold with 'matching items' should never ever  be worn together. This is especially true of prints. Just buy a dress or a jumpsuit! Although make sure you don't get camel toe on the jumpsuit of course.
The second was a brown skirt and cardigan. The skirt was dark brown the cardigan was mustardy, browny, yellowy, horrible! Should be burnt and destroyed, Immediately!! A colour that imitates something that people take tablets for and stay off work for is highly unlikely to flatter anyone's skin tone is it?

Underwear should be under!

Continuing on an underwear theme I feel that largely it should be kept underneath your clothes. There is the odd exception where a nice basque may be on show, or clothes are made in an 'underwear' style, aka worn to be seen.
This exception however, does not apply to letting your thong rise way above your trousers or skirt. Even worse if it's granny underwear!! No one wants to see it, I've heard the odd chavvy man enjoying this look, but even respectable men think this look is trashy. The purpose of underwear can be to look sexy, feel comfortable or hold you in (Bridget Jones style). If you have sexy underwear then I would guess you will not be wearing any clothes for your thong to pop out of! If it's comfortable then people will not want to see, and therefore why would you want to show it? If it's to hold you in then you definitely don't want anyone to see!
So please, please, please keep your underwear under your clothes. If I wanted to see it down Sainsburys then I would probably want to have sex with you... or I'd have just been let out of a mental home! Keep your thong to yourself!

Gym-Bra-Ree

Much like everyone else I'm back to the gym after a few weeks of binge eating chocolate, mince pies, turkey etc. I noticed today as I was working my way through the 'weight loss' programme on the cross trainer that there was an older lady next to me. I'll guess 50 - 60 as I didn't look at her face for too long.

The reason I didn't look at her face is because I was practically dodging out the way of her saggy boobs that were flying all over the place! She wasn't wearing a bra!!!! Surely if you choose not to wear one daily, (but why would you), you would make sure you have one at the gym! It's just good sense, not only for yourself but for the poor people around you. No?

Also they were so wild and saggy that I'm surprised she didn't get nipple rash on her thighs! I did consider telling her but I figured she knew her boobs were disgusting. How could she not!?

I used to work as a bra fitter in a department store and I seriously advise all of my friends, family and colleagues to wear proper fitting bras as I have seen what happens when you don't. Trust me, It's worth the money for a bra that fits! And when an 80 something woman comes in and asks for a nice black push up bra, "Those ones with chickens and air", after a lifetime of letting them sag then the results aren't pretty. In fact, they're vile. I was hungover on a such a day and nearly vomited in the fitting rooms.

In conclusion...
Saggy boobs = disgusting for everyone!!
A bra that fits = joy for everyone!!

And wouldn't you rather spread joy than disgust?

Happy New Year Girls... I think?

Happy New Year

Hopefully a new year will bring better dressed people... perhaps not!
New Years Eve in London, full of fireworks, sparkle, cocktails, hot men and women and some ... er ... people of an unknown gender.
I mean this not in an unkind way (well not horrible anyway) but I just don't understand. If you are a man, dress like one. If you are a woman, dress like one. I know there are cross overs - trousers, jeans, cardigans etc but male trousers should look as such and likewise with women.
There we were in the middle of the dance floor and, fair enough I'd had a few rum and cokes, but there were two people who we genuinely couldn't tell the gender of. They may have been men or women, transsexuals, cross-dressers but we just didn't know!! We also think they were a couple the way they were acting, hand holding and standing very close to each other. Does this raise the issue of sexuality... ?

Then on New Years Day whilst watching t4 in my pj's (mandatory for New Years) the two presenters were practically wearing identical outfits, bar the colours, and matching haircuts. Can anyone explain the homogenous fashion? I'm all for dressing in jeans, and have nothing against anyone wanting to dress like another gender due to whatever reasons, even 'feminine men' or 'masculine women'. But PLEASE make sure it is clear what gender you are or would like to be. This middle area is bizarre to me and frankly I would never dress genderless!!